Identity policing is not a game we play

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We’re going to bring back our atrophied “noteworthy comment” category to share a comment that came in this week. This comment was deleted, and after you hear this bunny act it out, we think you’ll understand why:

As for the white dress thing-I don’t think anyone needs to get defensive over it. If you want that great, live your life. I do however find it very entertaining that women on a off-beat website would want to wear a white dress. Sorry but doing what 97% of society does is not considered off beat. And wearing eggshell or off white is sure as hell not off beat either. There is nothing wrong with wearing white, but just admit you are more traditional than you think and roll with it.

Offbeat Bride has spilled a LOT of ink over the years exploring the friction between offbeat vs traditional. Readers have obsessed over “am I offbeat enough?” since 2007. Your wedding is not a contest, Oh noes I think my wedding will be normal, we’re all special snowflakes, etc etc.

It boils down to this: we’re not into identity policing. No one gets to decide who’s allowed to call themselves “offbeat” any more than they get to decide who’s allowed to call themselves steampunk (oh, you’ve only got one pair of goggles?) or plus-size (oh, you’re only a size 14?) a lesbian (oh, you’ve only slept with three women? GIVE BACK YOUR LESBIAN CARD).

There’s nothing wrong with wearing white, but there IS something wrong with telling other people what they have to do to be considered offbeat.

Comments on Identity policing is not a game we play

  1. The bunny adds an amazing something to the reading of comments.
    (Also yay for navigational changes and jumping between sites being much easier now)

  2. Add one of these more ‘traditional’ readers (wedding goal is to have nerdy elements in disguise… Dalek cake will just look like a weird fancy cake for someone who doesn’t know) I really appreciate the welcome openness of the offbeat empire! Keep up the great work! 🙂

  3. Dat bunny tho. Can she narrate a comment every week? And if the comment of the week is really coming back, can the Empire staff dress up as bunnies during their re-enactments?

    • I can’t promise that the feature will be back permanently… It’s more of a special treat kinda thang. 😉

  4. If your comment includes the words “sorry, but” maybe don’t make the comment. You’re not sorry. You just want to cover your rudeness with a veneer of politeness so you can act wounded and innocent when people point out that you’ve said something rude and hurtful.

    • I so agree with this comment. I’ve found that there’s one true way to apologize. “I’m sorry for…” That’s it. You end with a period. Maybe you ask how you can make it up to the person you’ve wronged.

      When you say, “I’m sorry, but…” what you’re doing is making excuses for whatever wrong thing you’ve done and justifying it. Sometimes those reasons need to be shared, but really only if the person you’re apologizing to asks for them. I try to avoid “I’m sorry, but” because as my dad so eloquently taught me… “Excuses are like assholes. Everyone has one, and they all stink.”

    • I like Jim Henley’s Rule – swap the positions. “I’m sorry, but” is a jerk move, but “[explanation], but I’m sorry anyway because [reasons]” works just fine. 😉 Works for all kinds of buts, not just I’m sorries!

  5. If you’ve found Offbeat Bride on this big, wide Internet, you belong here. Full stop. You can have all the traditional or WIC trappings in your wedding, but if you hovered your mouse over an Offbeat Bride link and thought, “maybe these are my people,” then yes! We are your people!

  6. The fainting at the end kills me. It’s like that smoking chick on Sex & The City who mouthed off & then fell out the window after her speech : D

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