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Each Monday, the Offbeat Empire’s editors send me their pitches for the posts they want to produce and schedule for the following week. I go through yaying and naying stuff based on a whole bunch of factors, usually nixing things that I know are going to create a massive shitstorm. (Shitstorms are good for traffic, but generally bad for my soul. I don’t need more misanthropy enabling, thanks!)
But what if I just let the editors go crazy with their pitches? What if we specialized in shitstorm posts? This was the question I posited to the staff in an email recently, asking them to share the imaginary titles of the most terrible Offbeat Empire posts we would never, ever publish. Then I laughed and laughed and laughed at their responses.
And so, just for funsies, here’s a short list of the horrific imaginary posts we’d never run…
Offbeat Home & Life
- Who really needs to clean their house, like, ever? And other thoughts
- Let’s talk about these white people being white
- Pet Death Rituals: Bunny Stew and Other Tasty Recipes
- All your life decisions are wrong, robots!
- I’m so offbeat, I’m onbeat again, or am I? (A poem in 4.5 stanzas)
- Beige is the new rainbow: 7 reasons why you should stop using colorful decor
- Have you ever noticed how much everyone really hates vegans?
Offbeat Families
- Utero-centric, why it’s ok to ask about your sex life as long as you’re trying to get knocked up
- I changed my mind and so will you: Child-Free isn’t a real thing
- My doctor wants to zap my baby with alien rays: HELP
- Am I wrong for not wanting to mutilate my son’s tiny pink penis?
- Is it true vaccines really have pig spleens in them and they’re going to kill my baby?
- You call it discipline, I call it child abuse: who’s totally wrong and should feel really bad?!
- Sleep training: selfishly prioritizing your own needs over your child’s emotional development, or just a terrible thing you do because you’re an awful person who’s awful?
Offbeat Bride
- 7 reasons why you should contact people you hate and tell them they’re not invited to your wedding, SO THERE
- I’m not a special snowflake. I’m a unique droplet of precipitation.
- How losing weight helped me gain acceptance from my wedding guests
- Mother-in-laws and extended family: why you should just totally ignore their opinions about your wedding
- Cupcakes: so last year or so last decade?
- Showering alone: The untold story of one bride who just bought all the shit she wanted instead of asking for everything.
Offbeat Empire
- Facebook and politics: just do it
- The Empire gets bought out by Rupert Murdoch (and it’s going to be ok! no, seriously!)
- I don’t have any money for this shit: why you’re a bad person because you do
Alright, you know you want to play.
I’m got no creative juices right now, but can we have 1 week when the editors get to add inappropriate subtitles to each post?!
I can’t decide which made me laugh more “My doctor wants to zap my baby with alien rays: HELP” or “Showering alone: The untold story of one bride who just bought all the shit she wanted instead of asking for everything.” or “I don’t have any money for this shit: why you’re a bad person because you do” 😀
For Offbeat Home & Life:
“Why wearing a bra and shaving your legs makes you part of the patriarchy”
Offbeat Bride:
“How close to the wedding date can I switch my partner for someone else and still have the wedding?”
“Pretending you’re going to have a normal ceremony to get you families to help foot the bill & then surprising them on the day!”
Offbeat Families
“Concealing from your husband that he’s not the father of the child.”
Offbeat Home & Life
“How to integrate your zombie apocalypse style into your day job: weapons, blood, torn clothing and no showering before work!”
Offbeat Bride:
“How close to the wedding date can I switch my partner for someone else and still have the wedding?”
My cousin used to work in a hotel and once took a booking for a wedding 18 months in advance. Shortly before the day, the couple came in to check the final details and the groom was a different guy.
I have always wondered how that conversation went. ‘We’re getting married! Awesome! We have so much to plan!’
‘It’s OK, honey, I got this.’
Ooo, fun!
Offbeat Family:
“Is that a CAPRI SUN?!?”: Maintaining Moral Superiority at the Playground.
Purple Twinkie: How to beef up your birth stories to scare pregnant women.
“What’s wrong with his head?”: Making Sure New Parents Don’t Get Too Smug
“Rub some dirt on it, you’ll be fine,”: Parenting Tips from Your Drunk Uncle
Poop: A Pictoral Guide*
*I cheated, this exists already.
Offbeat Empire:
“Click it, bitches!”: Monetizing Your Site, Regardless of Content
Conferences: They’re About the Swag, Dummy.
“Hello, I’m Ariel Meadow Stallings and you’re not.”: Building an Offbeat Empire as a Secret Republican
HAHAHAHAHA these are all amazing!
But purple twinkie? I wish I hadn’t googled that.
REALLY?!? That’s a real thing. Now I have to google it!
Sigh it’s nice to know that experience had such a colorful name to go along with it.
Things they should REALLY tell you BEFORE you get pregnant!!!
Ok I love the parenting tips from your drunk uncle…..and why are you over here making funny comments and not entertaining me on your own blog?
Ooo…busted. 😉
“Click it, bitches!” nearly killed me.
The Capri Sun made me literally lol!
Yeah…you rocked this! These cracked up!
“All the ways you’ve screwed up your child for life”
“How I Convinced the Neighborhood Children to Join my Cult.”
“You’re Better Off Alone.”
“Should I come out to my partner before or after the wedding?”
“The Secret to a Great School Bake Sale: Betty Crocker and Mary Jane.”
“Should I start an affair with my married boss?”
“Using your neighbor’s Wi-Fi: Save money by taking advantage of the stuff people don’t protect!”
Awesome!
“Using your neighbor’s Wi-Fi: Save money by taking advantage of the stuff people don’t protect!” I’m flinching after finally catching up on”The Bells of St. John” (Doctor Who) today. MUST NOT CLICK THE SQUIGGLES- no matter how pretty they are!
Offbeat bride:
Why a meat dress in Florida is a FANTASTIC idea in the middle of August.
If your partner looks at porn once you are married you are going down divorce road.
Offbeat Empire
I know how to Wins the Internetz and I’m not telling, Neener, Neener, Neener :p
Offbeat Home & Life
How being a closed minded racist bastard helped me make friends in Camden.
How Obama is Secretly Spying on You!
Welcome our newest sponsor to Offbeat Home and Life: Mitt Romney!
Gun Safety: Why randomly shooting a gun into the air is perfectly safe.
Why are women such awful drivers?
Offbeat Families
Why We Need to Institute a Child Limit on Everyone in the World!
The Latest Fad in Family Fun, Dead Babies Sling Shot!
How my family was brought closer together by orgies
I’d actually read that last one with a great interest!
Seconded!
HAHAHA omg! I just about died over the “dead babies sling shot”!
Are you a baby? If so, make sure you donate your corpse to the article writer for research. 😉
FOR SCIENCE!
Offbeat Bride:
Butt-Ugly Bridesmaids’ Dresses; totally get back at your cousin!
Offbeat Home and Life:
Cats: No One Cares
Offbeat Families:
Dexter: Tips for Turning Your Precious Little One into a Serial Killer
Bonus points if you include bridesmaid pictures from previous Offbeat Bride posts.
LOL CATS NO ONE CARES.
Nooooo!!!! Cats the superior race…..!!
Offbeat Home & Life:
“How repressing my sexuality saved my relationship”
“I can’t afford to own my own home – should I even bother trying to find fulfillment?”
“The busybody’s guide to interrogating acquaintances about their dietary choices”
Offbeat Families
“Frilly pink little girl’s clothing roundup – where has it all been hiding?”
“10 ways to live vicariously through your child by forcing them to play the sports and instruments you could never master”
“Why I will never leave my incompetent husband alone with the children EVER AGAIN”
Offbeat Bride
“Your wedding is wrong, and here’s why – acquiescing to all of your loved ones’ demands”
“What do you MEAN you’re not taking his last name?”
“How marriage will change everything about who you used to be”
Offbeat Empire
“5 hot tips from prominent Republican senators about writing for primarily female audiences”
“Let’s laugh over all these rejected post submissions!”
“How to capitalize on people feeling bad about themselves”
OH LORD!
I’d read it. This probably makes me a terrible person.
“Full Metal Rainbow : How to Out Your Gay Family Members at Your Reception”
“Can I Just Kill the Damn Bugs with Insecticide Already?”
“Handling Peanut Allergies: Whatever Happened to Concentration Camps?”
“No, You Cannot Call Yourself An Offbeat Bride If Your Wedding Dress Was White. Or a Dress.”
“No, You Cannot Call Yourself An Offbeat Bride If Your Wedding Dress Was White. Or a Dress.”
Hahahaha, I laughed so hard.
OMG! peanut allergies! killing me here! XD
A Bridesmaid’s Tale: ‘No, Your Strapless Dress Doesn’t Give You Back Fat’ And Other Lies I Told My Sister
“Mason Jars: Quirky, Affordable Decor That No One Has Ever Used Before You, Ever”
Sponsored Post by BHLDN: Buying This Tandem Bike For $1,500 Just for 10 Minutes of Photos Will Guarantee Eternal Happiness, a Drama-free Wedding Day and Clean Drinking Water for the Developing World”
http://www.bhldn.com/shop%2ddecor%2ddecorations/bowery%2dlane%2dtandem%2dbicycle/productoptionids/f314d873-ef50-4ba8-88ab-7e634f1f2445
“What better keepsake for after your big day than something you truly can only do together?”
Shudder
Ha! These are great.
Strapless dresses, ALL LIES!
“You still haven’t gotten married yet? Why long engagements are stupid.”
“My son is gay. How do I fix him?”
Offbeat Families:
– “Remember, there’s no right way to raise a child.”
Offbeat Home & Life:
– “An exhaustive list of reasons men can’t be interested in Offbeat Home & Life”
Offbeat Bride:
– “Suck it, Granny: Why etiquette is irrelevant”
I just imagined the look of horror my sweet grandmother would have if this were ever uttered in her presence. I died.
HAHAHAHA!!! Sooo amazing.
April fools is coming… 🙂
I wish I could “THIS!” this a thousand times. I would LOVE to see some of these fleshed out as a joke!
Offbeat Bride: “What the colour of your dress says about your sex life.”
Offbeat Families: “10 reasons to never ever have children.”
Offbeat Home: “How I learned to love the mop and become a perfect housewife”
For any of the above: “Husband Training: How to turn the first guy you meet into Mr Perfect in 6 weeks”
Guaranteed to cause more of a fuss than you think, if the other forum I hang out on is any indication:
“Letting your cat outside: Why you might as well just murder it with your own two hands and then go shit in all your neighbors gardens.”
LMAO
I have seen this “debate” and it gets UGLY.
Also:
“‘Just scrape the meat off’: a hostess’s guide to accommodating special diets.”
(Follow up post: “They probably don’t have a real allergy anyway.”)
I DIE.
Related: No, it’s Seitan! Really!
“Have you ever noticed how much everyone really hates vegans?”
I lol-ed. Pit of snaaaaakes!!!!! 🙂
Offbeat Bride:
“It’s not a real wedding unless you have x item”
“Ball busters: why women should always wait for him to propose”
Offbeat Families:
“Why my family emigrated to Mars”
“Raising kids to be gender normative”
Offbeat Home:
“Wild apartment decor: using panda skins in your home”
Offbeat Home:
“Wild apartment decor: using panda skins in your home”
GENIUS! 😀
Bride:
– “You Say Bridezilla Like Its a Bad Thing: It’s My Big Day, So Suck It Up”
– “Why I’m Not Having Food at My Reception” A treatise on how food allergies are probably made up, anyway.
Mama:
– “Question from a Reader: Seriously Mamas, why won’t your kids shut the fuck up when you’re in public?”
– “Fact: Hospital Births are Definitely Best for Baby”
Home:
– “Horse meat… the new chicken? Six awesome recipes.”
– “How I Learned to Stop DIYing and Love the Consumerist Machine”
Empire:
– “Haha Just Kidding, We’re Really Doing this to Source Content For [Snarksite]”
– “Our Next Book Due March 2013! PS We’re ripping off all your photos and DIYs and claiming them as our own.”
Bride
“Budgets are made to be broken and 7 other ways to get into debt”
“Calligraphy is the most important thing evar!”
“What your guests really think of your DIY”
“Bathroom baskets, favors, personalized toilet paper, and other wedding essentials you won’t really be married without!”
Home
“Subway rats, cockroaches and other urban eats!”
“They need the protein, how to hide meat for your vegetarian friends”
Family
“Whiskey, cough syrup and other ways to shut that baby up”
“42 reasons why kids need a mommy and a daddy”
“My left handed child is possessed: A DIY exorcism story”
A new regular feature all across the Empire:
The Label-Maker: Why Your Self-Identification is WRONG!
HA!! Alternate title: “You don’t get to call yourself a lesbian: you only slept with one girl, and she didn’t actually get off.”
Ooh, college flashback!
Luckily, I upgraded to a liquid-proof keyboard a while back.
Alternate title: You’re Marrying a Woman, Therefore You Are a Lesbian No Matter How You Feel Damn It
Related post: “SURPRISE: We decided to tag your wedding as ‘plus-size’ (hope you don’t mind)”
alternate alternate title – you married a man so therefore you are no longer bisexual
How to get your holiday guests to eat your placenta
Family:
-Uncircumcised? GROSS.
-10 Things to Avoid (Or You’ll Mess Up Your Kid for Life)
-Only Pedos Breastfeed
-Placentas are Freaking Disgusting (and 10 more reasons to avoid waterbirth)
-C-Sections: Abusive, or Merely Terrible?
-Jenny McCarthy guest posts “Why vaccines are evil”
-Judging Other Mommies is Fun
-There’s a Dad at the Playground – Is he just a creep, or a bona fide sex offender?
Bride
“It’s not Offbeat unless your vows mention the zombie apocalypse”
“Why not having favors makes you a BAD HOST”
“Vote for the best wedding ever featured on Offbeat Bride!”
Families
“Your baby isn’t as cute as you think it is: a Flickr pool roundup!”
“DIY paternity test tutorial”
“Is it cool to trade if my baby isn’t the gender I wanted?”
Home/Life
“How to throw the best Valentine’s Day party ever, for just $10,000”
“Things around the house I didn’t know were crawling with bacteria”
“CATS CATS CATS CATS CATS CATS CATS”
Eh, who am I kidding? I would totally read that last one.
OH OH OH and is that one of the new Offbeat Bride characters up top?!
Good eye. 😉 That’s Betty. She’ll be making her debut soon.
I want to write “CATS CATS CATS CATS CATS CATS”
Please do! I would read the shit out of it.
Family
Kids Don’t Need Veggies- The New Meat only Diet for a Stronger Youth.
Home
Never Wash a Dish Again- Let the Dog do it, Your Guests Will Never Know.
Bride
How to Tell Your Parents the Theme for Your Wedding is BDSM, and You Have Already Picked Their Outfits.
Home
Never Wash a Dish Again- Let the Dog do it, Your Guests Will Never Know.
Ha! I briefly lived with people who would constantly let their dog lick the plates when they were done eating. Never was I so happy to do the dishes!
My grandpa has a great story about a bachelor he knew back in the day that did his dishes like this!
This is fantastic. Though the part of my brain that loves futile challenges wants to try to come up with articles that could have those titles but be thoughtful, reasonable, and positive.
As for my contributions…
Bride
“How To Call Off Your Wedding, But Keep The Presents!”
Home and Life
“Advice: How Can I Get My Roommates To Stop Freaking Out That I Spent My Rent Money on Beer?”
Families
“Combining Exercise, Discipline, and Fun: The Pros of Shaking Your Baby!”
Empire
“No More Fucks To Give: Why We’re Done Moderating Comments”
“No More Fucks To Give: Why We’re Done Moderating Comments” …I feel like this post is almost that: https://offbeatempire.com/2012/12/clicks-dont-lie
“The Pros of Shaking Your Baby!” of all the comments on here, actually made my jaw drop. Well done!
Maternity Leave Projects: what to do with all that free time when the baby is sleeping
Hugs are overrated: why you really don’t need to waste time snuggling with your baby
My baby slept through the night at 2 days old and yours can too!
Is it a bad thing that I could write the bunny stew article…? 🙂 It would be thoughtful and respectful and true, but it would still totally be about killing bunnies…
We’ve actually already done that post:
http://offbeathome.com/2011/09/farming-rabbit-meat 🙂
Bunnies are delicious! My grandpa used to buy live rabbits at farms and kill them at home for my grandma to cook.
Hah! We’re totally serving rabbit stew at our wedding, for reals!
Home and Life:
“Your classy adult condo makes me sad about my garage sale furniture”
“The difference between civilized wine tasting parties and puking on your party dress in the backyard: a comparison”
“I still don’t really understand escrow or how checking accounts work: why I fail as an adult”
Families:
“‘Your screaming toddler makes me want to get my tubes tied’, and other polite conversation”
“I like sleeping in and eating out: 100 other reasons why I’m sticking to cats”
“Setting up social media for your uterus, because everybody needs to know your reproductive business”
Bride:
“Your taste in music sucks and you have a cash bar: why no one is dancing”
“‘You’re not losing 20lbs before the wedding just get the correct size’, and other helpful things to tell your bridesmaids”
“Divorced before the thank yous are out: was that $30,000 worth it?”
Empire:
“Just kidding, your wedding is a competition and you lost!”
Screaming toddlers are why I don’t have kids and I have seriously thought about getting my tubes tied which probably explains why I am a cat person because dogs are like kids, too much work for me. These are totally legit articles to write about. Love it.
“I still don’t really understand escrow or how checking accounts work: why I fail as an adult” Okay, I get the checking account thing, but replace that with “and wtf does “fully vested” mean anyway?” and I’m so in need of an “I fail as an adult” article!
I would actually love to see that article. Especially if it was full of helpful, bit commedic information.
The Ooh Shit Girl image is still cracking me UP. I can just HEAR it.
Offbeat Family:
Attachment Parenting: Easier with Duct Tape & Wire Ties.
How dare that kid’s head was where my kid’s fist wanted to be: Or how to deal with principal calls about playground fights.
Spotty Went to the Farm to Live with Santa Claus
Offbeat Bride:
Liposuction Bachelorette Parties
We know you can’t pick out shoes by yourselves.
Offbeat Meat
A recipe? Porn? YOU decide.
Families:
“Why you should reinforce shame and validate your child’s insecurities.”
Bride:
“‘You crippled him emotionally and ruined my sex life!’ Your reception is the right time to confront your mother-in-law.”
Oh dear, I fear there might be a theme here…
lol
Offbeat Bride:
My Fire Spinners Melt Your Ice Sculpture: How to Get Married the Same Day As Your Freemen
Offbeat Home:
21 Ways to Make a Telemarketer Cry
Offbeat Families:
Never Have Kids, and Other Life Hacks
Family
At what point do you NOT leave nail clippings in the carpet….
The end of the age old fight : toilet paper over or under.
Bride:
5 Ways to make your bridesmaids suffer in heels. Including grass, mud and open-hole brickwork.
The ceremomy aisle : does size matter? Length? sidenote: if longer than a football field – consider flats.
for ALL sites:
Stop Making Me Feel Bad: Why Your ‘Different’ Choices Make Me Feel Inferior, And How That’s Your Fault (You Smug Cow)
My kids Love Their AK47’s: Bringing heavy artillery to the Mommy Wars
Giving Parenting Advice: How to make sure family, friends and strangers really get that they’re doing it Wrong.
Bride: 10 things you MUST HAVE at your wedding
Top 10 signs your wedding is tacky
How to tell if you’re being a Bridezilla
Families: Why you should EBF, CD, EC, CoS, BW and DIY. A guide to not fucking up your kids for life.
How to protect your children from growing up and becoming Republicans.
These ones are the best:
“I changed my mind and so will you: Child-Free isn’t a real thing”
“How losing weight helped me gain acceptance from my wedding guests” HAHA
“Facebook and politics: just do it”
Alternate title: How my agressive hourly facebook posts changed thousands of people’s minds to vote for my candidate
Offbeat Bride:
“Why we couldn’t dig up great-grandpa to attend the wedding”
“Help! My mom wants to make it a double-wedding so she can marry the pool boy and not pay anything!”
“Legal matters when marrying an alien from Betelguese”
Offbeat Families:
“Okay, husband, you want kids? YOU give birth to them and keep them in the shed!”
“Your kid’s name isn’t offbeat enough”
“Is it okay for my toddler to teethe on a Sonic Screwdriver if I neutralize it?”
Offbeat Home & Life:
“How having a sugar daddy solved all my household finances”
“Why introverts should never throw parties (hint: you don’t know anybody)”
“HELP! My boyfriend’s cat surfs on his back while we have sex!”
“I’m not a special snowflake. I’m a unique droplet of precipitation.” Made me laugh so hard.
“Non-traditional marriages have higher divorce rates and Other Reasons You Should Have Cold Feet.”
Jokes on You! Why we faked 30 hours of downtime to watch everyone panic
Commenting on old posts hurts the empire!
EVERYONE JUST STOP READING THE BASIL POST, I AM SICK OF IT!!!
….I need a hobby or maybe drugs for ADD.
“….I need a hobby or maybe drugs for ADD” is a really great post for Offbeat Families.