Each Monday, the Offbeat Empire’s editors send me their pitches for the posts they want to produce and schedule for the following week. I go through yaying and naying stuff based on a whole bunch of factors, usually nixing things that I know are going to create a massive shitstorm. (Shitstorms are good for traffic, but generally bad for my soul. I don’t need more misanthropy enabling, thanks!)
But what if I just let the editors go crazy with their pitches? What if we specialized in shitstorm posts? This was the question I posited to the staff in an email recently, asking them to share the imaginary titles of the most terrible Offbeat Empire posts we would never, ever publish. Then I laughed and laughed and laughed at their responses.
And so, just for funsies, here’s a short list of the horrific imaginary posts we’d never run…
Offbeat Home & Life
- Who really needs to clean their house, like, ever? And other thoughts
- Let’s talk about these white people being white
- Pet Death Rituals: Bunny Stew and Other Tasty Recipes
- All your life decisions are wrong, robots!
- I’m so offbeat, I’m onbeat again, or am I? (A poem in 4.5 stanzas)
- Beige is the new rainbow: 7 reasons why you should stop using colorful decor
- Have you ever noticed how much everyone really hates vegans?
- Utero-centric, why it’s ok to ask about your sex life as long as you’re trying to get knocked up
- I changed my mind and so will you: Child-Free isn’t a real thing
- My doctor wants to zap my baby with alien rays: HELP
- Am I wrong for not wanting to mutilate my son’s tiny pink penis?
- Is it true vaccines really have pig spleens in them and they’re going to kill my baby?
- You call it discipline, I call it child abuse: who’s totally wrong and should feel really bad?!
- Sleep training: selfishly prioritizing your own needs over your child’s emotional development, or just a terrible thing you do because you’re an awful person who’s awful?
- 7 reasons why you should contact people you hate and tell them they’re not invited to your wedding, SO THERE
- I’m not a special snowflake. I’m a unique droplet of precipitation.
- How losing weight helped me gain acceptance from my wedding guests
- Mother-in-laws and extended family: why you should just totally ignore their opinions about your wedding
- Cupcakes: so last year or so last decade?
- Showering alone: The untold story of one bride who just bought all the shit she wanted instead of asking for everything.
- Facebook and politics: just do it
- The Empire gets bought out by Rupert Murdoch (and it’s going to be ok! no, seriously!)
- I don’t have any money for this shit: why you’re a bad person because you do
Alright, you know you want to play.