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The imaginary titles of really terrible Offbeat Empire posts

What if I just let the editors go crazy with their pitches? What if we specialized in shitstorm posts? This was the question I posited to the staff in an email recently, asking them to share the imaginary titles of the most terrible Offbeat Empire posts we would never, ever publish. Then I laughed and laughed and laughed at their responses.

And so, just for funsies, here's a short list of the horrific imaginary posts we'd never run…