The imaginary titles of really terrible Offbeat Empire posts

By on Jan 23rd

ooh shit girlEach Monday, the Offbeat Empire's editors send me their pitches for the posts they want to produce and schedule for the following week. I go through yaying and naying stuff based on a whole bunch of factors, usually nixing things that I know are going to create a massive shitstorm. (Shitstorms are good for traffic, but generally bad for my soul. I don't need more misanthropy enabling, thanks!)

But what if I just let the editors go crazy with their pitches? What if we specialized in shitstorm posts? This was the question I posited to the staff in an email recently, asking them to share the imaginary titles of the most terrible Offbeat Empire posts we would never, ever publish. Then I laughed and laughed and laughed at their responses.

And so, just for funsies, here's a short list of the horrific imaginary posts we'd never run…

Offbeat Home & Life

  • Who really needs to clean their house, like, ever? And other thoughts
  • Let's talk about these white people being white
  • Pet Death Rituals: Bunny Stew and Other Tasty Recipes
  • All your life decisions are wrong, robots!
  • I'm so offbeat, I'm onbeat again, or am I? (A poem in 4.5 stanzas)
  • Beige is the new rainbow: 7 reasons why you should stop using colorful decor
  • Have you ever noticed how much everyone really hates vegans?

Offbeat Families

  • Utero-centric, why it's ok to ask about your sex life as long as you're trying to get knocked up
  • I changed my mind and so will you: Child-Free isn't a real thing
  • My doctor wants to zap my baby with alien rays: HELP
  • Am I wrong for not wanting to mutilate my son's tiny pink penis?
  • Is it true vaccines really have pig spleens in them and they're going to kill my baby?
  • You call it discipline, I call it child abuse: who's totally wrong and should feel really bad?!
  • Sleep training: selfishly prioritizing your own needs over your child's emotional development, or just a terrible thing you do because you're an awful person who's awful?

Offbeat Bride

  • 7 reasons why you should contact people you hate and tell them they're not invited to your wedding, SO THERE
  • I'm not a special snowflake. I'm a unique droplet of precipitation.
  • How losing weight helped me gain acceptance from my wedding guests
  • Mother-in-laws and extended family: why you should just totally ignore their opinions about your wedding
  • Cupcakes: so last year or so last decade?
  • Showering alone: The untold story of one bride who just bought all the shit she wanted instead of asking for everything.

Offbeat Empire

  • Facebook and politics: just do it
  • The Empire gets bought out by Rupert Murdoch (and it's going to be ok! no, seriously!)
  • I don't have any money for this shit: why you're a bad person because you do

Alright, you know you want to play.